Bargaining.

 Now that rage doesn't consume all your energy, you lie in your bed, alone in the dark, to do business. The stage is set for negotiation. Maybe if you get something out of it, dealing with the true face of your feelings could be postponed! And isn't it good to postpone!

It comes when you put your phone down, tired of swipe left or right. Tired of sorting meaningless unimportant faces. They only highlight how perfect the one you lost was. They are there to show you blatantly how poor your emotional state is that you can't even keep a conversation going. You can't connect with people and that starts getting to you. At first, it's buried deep down your chest. Then, a bit of a finger raises to the surface. Next comes an arm, and this arm speeds up the process and, in seconds, your insecurities are all over your chest and body and mind and it doesn't stop right there as it follows to keep the room, the whole apartment and the building and the city and the country and the whole world. That makes you feel really alone. Not a place in the world will make you comfortable as you wish to be. No place will have her head liying gently on your right arm. Her hair's scent coming up through your nostrils and making it so pleasant you could die.

Among the dark smoke of sadness around yourself come feeble reptile creatures. They crawl gently but scratching your chest with their sharp nails, making their way into your head. They are the "what-ifs" and "if-onlys".

"If only I had been around more often?"

"If only I let her have the walls the colours she liked best?"

"If only I hadn't been so mean?"

"If only I hadn't been happier?"

"If only I had believed when they talked about depression?"

"What if I told her I love her now?"

"What if I go there now and act romantic out of the blue?"

It is all false hope, however. And you know it. Well, if you didn't know then, you do now.

The lizard creatures crawl out grinning and looking at you sideways. They know themselves they were successful in leaving you astonished and confused.

You hated her so much and now you are thinking of coming back together. "What do I exactly want?" you ask yourself, and, in return, you get your plain dumb face that tells you how lost you are.

Within this confusion, sadness creeps in once again. There is the pain and there is hurt. Maybe you still find a few lizards coming and going, but now you are not delusional anymore.

It is over because it is over.